The Jokes On You
Blue LaughterQ: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn't want any advice.
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A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.
"Oh, my goodness! Have we come to this?" said the woman.
"Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!
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Q: Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
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Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached
them. "What's going on here, anyway?" He asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we
should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the
woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
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The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you
believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well
its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science,
evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No
eternal life, no great judgment, and no God!" The Atheist
continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and
tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky
when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no
nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be
buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When
I die I am utterly convinced that this will be the end of me!" "Well
thank God for that" replies the preacher!
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Q. How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?
A. When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.
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How do angels greet each other?
"Halo."
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Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When
Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only
woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep,
only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
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One day at the entrance into heaven, St. Peter saw a New York
street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first,
St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some evil, thieving
New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".
God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type.
Re-direct them down to hell."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden
he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone,
they're gone!"
"Who, the New Yorkers?".
"No, the Pearly Gates."
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One day, two planes land at an airport. President George W. Bush
gets out of one. A man wearing a white robe gets out of the
other and starts walking away. The President catches up to him,
"Excuse me sir, are you Moses?" The man keeps walking. The
President follows him. "Excuse me sir, are you Moses? The man
keeps on walking. The President runs ahead of the man and stops
him, repeating himself once more. "Excuse me sir... Are you Moses?
Finally the man stopped and replied, "Yes, but the last time i
talked to a bush i ended up wandering in the desert for 40 years."
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Two lawyers were siblings -- dishonest cheaters, as crooked as
could be. They went to church only when circumstances required
them to look good, or when there was a chance a dollar could be made.
When the less evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the
church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased would
describe the departed as a saint. The church needed money, and
succeeded in acquiring the contribution without compromising any
of its virtue. The eulogy accurately described the life and character
of the deceased, identifying and listing the many sins committed. In
conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving attorney
saying, "but compared to him, the departed was a saint!"
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